if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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