Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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