My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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