thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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