dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
