i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
