when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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