Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
