Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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