You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
