i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
My ATM looks so different sober.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
