If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
