is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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