if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
2020 sucks, I want a refund
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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