I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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