proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
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