Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
