cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
