Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
