Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
