This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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