That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
