Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
