God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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