my mouth tastes like poor choices
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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