After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
