when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
