dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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