i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
