I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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