Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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