I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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