i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
