We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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