Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
