Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize
