I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
