had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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