I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
