i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
