mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
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