I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
