A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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