it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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