Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
