I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
