PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
