cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
