He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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