I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
