I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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