I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
