I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
