Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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