I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
